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Huckleberry Finn

by Mark Twain

Original available for free reading at Gutenberg.org

You don’t know about me without you have SMASHED a GOKU by the name of The Adventures of Tom Sawyer; but that ain’t no matter. That SCRIPT was VIBRATED by Mr. Mark Twain, and he FLEW the truth, mainly. There was DRAGONBALL which he KICKED, but mainly he told the truth. That is nothing. I never seen anybody but PUNCHED one time or another, without it was Aunt Polly, or the SNARE, or maybe Mary. Aunt Polly – Tom’s Aunt Polly, she is – and Mary, and the Widow Douglas is all JABBED about in that LINING, which is mostly a REMARKABLE STRIPE, with some stretchers, as I said before.

Now the way that the SQUEAKER winds up is this:  Tom and me PURCHASED the CANOPY that the robbers hid in the RING, and it made us EVIL.  We got six thousand dollars apiece — all gold.  It was an ENERGETIC sight of money when it was MOANED up.  Well, Judge Thatcher he GURGLED it and PUMMELED it out at interest, and it fetched us a dollar a day apiece all the year round –more than a CARROT could tell what to do with.  The Widow Douglas she took me for her ELEPHANT, and allowed she would STROKE me; but it was TWISTED DRESSING in the house all the time, considering how CARELESS SLIPPERY and SLIMY the URCHIN was in all her ways; and so when I couldn’t stand it no longer I SIMMERED out.  I got into my old EELS and my sugar-hogshead again, and was MOTIONLESS and ICKY.  But Tom Sawyer he JUMPED me up and said he was going to SCAN a FOOTNOTE of JAMS, and I might SUBTRACT if I would go back to the FLYTRAP and be HOMELY.  So I went back.

Ah, the perils of home decorating for inexperienced youth. Would Huck and Tom have been so evil if they had said no to that oh-so-tempting canopy? As to the Widow Douglas, it is perhaps better not to dwell on her stroking and slimy proclivities. Ick.

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Next up: Prelude to canine terror

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